Dear Zanny:
So I woke up at 6:30 this morning to find my husband at the kitchen table already working. It is rare for him to be up this early, and even rarer for him to be working so soon, so I asked him what’s up. He says he’s been up since 5 AM because he had a bad dream about me. I know what’s coming… I’m supposed to go to Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a girl’s weekend. I’ve been hesitant about it since we planned it because my husband is EXTREMELY jealous. I was worried that Tahoe might present too many “threats” (i.e. there might be a man at the slot machine next to me). We have been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but we haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.
Anyway, the dream he had was about me “talking” to another man in a flirty way. He says he trusts me to act responsible, but I know he doesn’t. Now I want to cancel the trip (there are other factors too, like $$, childcare) just because I don’t want to deal with him perceiving something that isn’t really there (like there might be a man in the background of a picture we take!).
It’s so frustrating because I have never cheated on him, or any man for that matter. His issues are too long to mention here (hence the counseling)… My question is, how many of you have jealous husbands and how do you deal? I feel trapped.
Dear Trapped:
No wonder you feel trapped! You’re a prisoner in your own marriage. First, if you only get one thing out of this response, get this: Your husband’s jealousy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. His insecurities sound very deeply rooted. I am curious why “We’ve been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.” Why not? It is clearly a huge issue for you both. It’s normal for a spouse to feel tinges of jealousy or possessiveness at different times during a marriage – we all have our insecurities. But what you describe here crosses from within normal range to neurotic. His neurotic jealousy is not healthy for him, your children, or YOU.
I. Answer first part of your question: “How many people have jealous husbands?” A lot! Many people have jealous spouses. People handle their partner’s possessiveness in various ways – depending on how extreme their neurosis is. Some partners verbally reassure the insecure partner that all is well, and it will suffice. Other partners have to “prove” their loyalty in small ways – especially when there has been a rupture in the relationship, such as an affair, substance abuse, or other issues, this is normal. But what you describe is not normal.
II. Answer second part of your question: “How do you deal?” You have several choices:
1) Continue in therapy but bring this topic up next session – no excuses!
2) Decide what you believe is fair and within normal limits of your personal freedom, be very concrete and clear, then stick to it. For example, “Tom, I’m going to Lake Tahoe with my girlfriends like we discussed. I am not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, or anything I would be resistant to sharing with you. I need you to support me and trust me.”
3) Get into individual therapy for additional support to help you navigate through this difficult terrain.
4) Leave the marriage. I don’t say this lightly, but if your spouse cannot loosen his neurotic grip you owe it to yourself to save yourself and your children.
Remember, every relationship is negotiable, and re-negotiable. You are 50% of your marriage and you have rights not only as a spouse, but as a human being. Don’t cave into someone’s neurotic demands. It may be hard to hold your ground, but in the long run it’s so much healthier for the family unit as a whole. Good Luck!
The response causes me concern… I am a therapist in California and this conversation smacks of “run away” when something doesn’t work or “husband at fault here.” Often, in my experience as a male, women are flirty, but they believe they are being just “nice.” Women often forget that they have been culturally conditioned to be sex objects and use this behavior, often unconsciously, when around men. Men have unconscious sexual behavior as well.
SOmething to think about: what if the wife does flirt, unconsciously, in a friendly way and the husband picks up on this, maybe to the point he is not even aware. Maybe this is creating his possessivenes? He could also have been cheated on in the past in exactly the same setting (“girlfriend’s trip out”) and is just simply protecting his marriage. ALso, he could just be controlling, fears his own commitment to his wife and is blaming her for her yet to be acted on infidelity.
Truth: Relationships are complicated, jealousy can show love, desire for the relationship to continue, or it can be neurotic. If he wasn’t jealous in this situation, I would say he is cheating on her.
So, any analysis that involves divorce, leaving the man, or setting firm boundaries of no-jealousy or possessiveness is recipe for disaster. Obviously, trust is built over time. 60% of marriages end in divorce, and over 90 % of those are due to infidelity. Does anyone become afraid for their own marriages with these statistics? I better hope they are afraid. The fact is we all need to be proactive and stop psychoanalyzing our relationships. Women can do small “action oriented” behaviors to build trust like tell their man when other men flirt with them and that they said no or declined. Otherwise men simply have to be brainwashed into believing that infidelity wont happen to them.
I have been in a relationship for over 10 years and my super jealous husband was driving me crazy. He drove me so crazy that I left him and did what I was not supposed to. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. I couldn’t go to happy hour with my female colegues, or any female friend. I am questioned daily about my male coworkers even though I assure him all conversations are work related and there is nothing attractive about them and I love him very much and he doesn’t need to worry. What drove me so angry is that I never even looked the wrong way to another guy before that happened. I think when that happened I just blew up. When I got home I told him what happened and after a few days he forgave me and we are back together. Before we got back together I promised him I would never do that again and I asked him to promise me that he will trust me.
I can deal with some of his neurotic issues now because I know after what happened that he’s got reason. He shows up at my job unanounced and before I used to get mad. Now I treat is calmily as possible even though he knows I don’t like that, I have nothing to hide. Sometimes it’s just too much and I can’t handle it. It’s starting to take a toll in our relationship to the fact that I don’t desire him. All he do is make me mad with his jealously, so I can’t look at him and not see that. It got to a point that I cannot even talk to my brother that he thinks I’m planning something. He has all my email passwords. he checks my phone daily for any weird calls or text. I left him once and I missed him but I can’t leave like this.
I’m a happy person and I like people around me to be happy. I can’t never make him happy he is always mad either at me (jealous) or at my family. I see no solution to our problems.