By: Suzanne Maiden
As a psychotherapist, I see many young people struggle with their sexual orientation. Many confide feelings of both bi-sexuality or straight homosexuality. And, the sacred space in which they divulge their secret is the first they have verbalized their inner truth. I have the privilege of being the first person with whom they share their most inner struggle ~ their sexual orientation.
The realization that one is attracted to the same gender throws many into a tailspin. How will their families respond? What will their friends say or do? Who will accept them and their sexuality, and who will ultimately be so uncomfortable with their disclosure, that they will be rejected?
The intensity of such feelings are no different than straight sexual attraction. Recently, I had a client who stated, “But, when it’s my first time, I won’t know how to do it.” Why would ‘doing it’ with a same sex partner be any different than with the opposite gender? OK, so the physical equipment is the same. I get it. But, what a potential benefit – experimenting with what you know! When sexual feelings are aroused, most people don’t need an instruction manual, it just happens. The body responds.
If the reader is waiting for me to make some professional value judgment on another’s sexuality, I won’t. It is not my place to assess whether another’s love is right or wrong, good or bad, sacred or sin. Physical attraction is like an alter personality that resides within us. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Oftentimes an attraction to another violates one’s mental checklist. One can be attracted to another and it makes no logical sense. So it is with same sex love. Many clients who struggle with their sexual orientation state that they would not consciously choose this path. They report ego-dissonance, that is, they feel acute emotional turmoil and bewilderment. They experience anxiety with their bi-sexual or homosexual feelings which they know violate societal norms. They are scared.
Physical attraction is elusive. Physical attraction grabs you by the throat and demands your attention. It follows no script, no rules, no predetermined notion. Same sex attraction and love is no different than heterosexual love. Let tolerance prevail.
It’s no wonder that I remain one your biggest fans. Thanks for having the courage to write about same-sex love.
I think the piece is spot on. It is very fair and you have done a good job describing the concerns of someone dealing with their sexuality. The only suggestion I would make is the realization that while same-sex love and attraction are very similar to heterosexual attraction the context for the two is quite different. I loved how you point out that the first time for anyone is confusing, mysterious, and perhaps very frightening. However, at least heterosexuals have a lot of examples present in their lives (magazines, stories, television, and of course movies). Until recently, there really was not a lot of material for gays and lesbians to draw from.
Another key context that you may want to address is that same sex attraction and love is still illegal in many states. While the supreme court overturned sodomy laws, the legal and law enforcement community is still extremely biased against same sex couples. Hate crimes legislation has only been passed in a few states and not at the Federal level. There is a significant amount of hatred towards gays and lesbians and a person just coming out will be well aware of the anger held by many “hets” and may be aware of hate crimes that have been or might be committed. So, I think that there is a lot more fear in coming out than just the fear of rejection by one’s family or friends. I basically lost my military career because of suspicions that I was a lesbian. And only my big toe was out of the closet!
I think, There are too many narrow minded biggots in the world and people don’t like something that is out of the ordinary. Who knows in 200 years time the number of same sex relationships and male female relationships may be about the same but for the time being you are in the minority. As long as you are both happy there is no problem. You are together by choice and happy.